Day 1 Deep Thinking & Heart Sharing?

I'm currently reading: Me and White Supremacy Workbook. So far this book is breaking my fucking heart... (sorry for the poor language, but I'm being honest & true with myself) Please be forwarned whoever reads this; this is going to be the most honest, heart breaking, deep thinking I've been in a really really really long time. I may swear, I may not swear, but this is being the absolute RAW me. This wont just be in this one, but in future ones to come. SO please excuse my language if it pops out time to time... this is the uncensored Michelle, the raw Michelle, the honest, deep true Michelle. So sit back, relax and join in with me as I share my most deeper inner thoughts/feelings and sharing from deep within' my heart & soul. SO where do I start... before reading this book, and before even really getting into anything else in my life, I really started to reminese about old times, how the OLD Michelle was, how I as always sad, depressed, how at one point, I really just wanted to end my life beacuse I hated myself I hated who I had become, I hated who I was, I hated how I was, I hated every little inner being of me. I hated the way I thought, the way my feelings ran all over the place, I hated the fact that I felt that no one in this world could undertsand me. I just honestly plainly just really hated life. I hated everything about it. at one point I remember I didnt want to live, I remember trying to think of ways I could just end it all, a painfree way. A way where no matter what I did to myself, that I woudl just leave peacefully and not have anyone have to worry about me anymore, or me being a burden on them. Thankfully, I had some really amazing people in my life, and along that journey who really helped me out of some really dark spots that I honestly didnt believe that I would have ever gotten out of, and for this, I will forever be thankful and will forever be in debt. I believe these people honestly - saved my life, in a time where I don't believe I was really able to save myself. I never really thought that people were meant to be in your life for a reason; but as I got older, and as I really grew up, I have realized that people do really come and go in your life as you need them or want them to really be there. I'm happy that over the last year or so I have really been able to reconnect with people who, I truely feel, have had a huge impact on my life, and I really believe, without thier support, thier love, enouragement, and them actually standing in my corner and cheering me on, this is one of many reasons why I am here today, this is why I am able to sit here, at my desk, from my home office and share my most deep inner thoughts & feelings. who will read this? maybe a few select that I'll send it to, will they? maybe? if not thats ok too. and if you are just some random person reading this - just remember, your life is worth living for & you truly have a purpose to live in this crazy, hectic world we live in. So lets go back a few months... beginging of summer was visiting with some friends of ours and we were all talking about our elemetry school days & even highschool days, I remember sharing stories with them of how terrible I really was, bullying other peers constanly getting into fights, I truly was just a really miserable child. I'm not sure if its was because of the way I grew up, having a very abusive & alcholic drug addict father, or how he use to always just beat us kids and my mom. Either way - it was a crappy childhood, one that I wouldn't really wish upon anyone. As we were sharing our life stories, I remember clearly saying "I really wish I knew where these people in my life are now, so I can personally reconnect, and thank them for all they did and more, cause without them, I'm pretty sure I'd be dead by now" So lets move forward a few more weeks - I reached out to some old teachers, some counsellors, people who really were there - sent messages and thanked them for all they did and more. It was really great just reconnecting and sharing our life stories, what we are doing now, where we were in the past all that kind of stuff. Its been great getting to know them as an Adult, and not some pain in the ass teenager who was raging on the inside and not knowing what to do with herself. It's different, and its seriously so heart warming. My hearts been so full this last month or so. Lets move forward to this month, Larry ended up having a mini stroke, other wise known as a TIA which is a transient ischemic attack, so life has been super stressful & scary. I have had a few really good friends who I have been able to chat with and get that extra support from soooo very thankful for them. Which honestly has been so wonderful. amongst all of this, and reconnecting with people who I have grown to love in a way I never thought was possible, to be able to apprecate them in another way that I also didn't ever think was possible, or to be thankful as much as I am. But it is, and it honestly just makes my heart full. So amongst all this - I really got talking with a friend of mine, who suggested to read this book. At first, I'm like YESSSSSSSSSSSS lets go!!!!! I'm READY, WILLING and most definately WANTING to learn more about everything that is happening within and around this weird world we live in and mostly where I live, and all the things that are happening in the small community that I live in. Where I live, we are really surrounded by First Nation Reserves, I dont know exactly the amount of First Nation people live here in this community, but it is a really high precent. But I must admit... Ive become very ignorant? or blind maybe? to things that happen around here, ore I maybe am just so unaware mostly I think, I just dont really know much about culture, I wish I did, but honestly I just dont; and honestly - Im not ashamed to say that. I'm really dumb when it comes to this stuff. Ask me anything about computers, or technology, or how to create 3D prints, I'm so good with that, but peoples culture... I'm most definately not, but my heart is open and ready to learn and wants to learn more. I see so many sad things in this town... and it seriously just breaks my heart and at the same time as my heart hearts. I'm super angry. Angry with myself for being blind or ignorant to the fact that this is all happening. It makes me want to change the world but I know that I cant... BUT what I do know - is I can start educating myself, and learning about racism in my community and what I myself can do to help, or what I can do to even change my thinking and the way that I personally handle things. This is honestly so eye opening... its scary... its hard... but... I'm doing it. For me & for the world, to make the place we live in a better one... and the only way to do that, is to start with... well.. me. Thoughts/feelings on book "me & white supremacy": this stuck out to me GREATLY: "This work will likely bring up many conflicting emotions including shame, confusion,fear, anger, remorse, grief, and anxiety" page 29 - also page 41 "Shame, anger, grief, rage, apathy, anxiety, confusion, and other strong emotionswill come up for you if you are doing this work deeply. Don’t run away from those feelings" Old Michelle would 100% run away from the feelings stated above... new grown up Michelle doesnt run from feelings anymore. Inpsires me to share even more and even more deeply. questions that I'm to answer... deeply, honestly, from the heart. What have you learned about You & White Privilege? • What have you learned about you and your specific white privilege: How it shows up, how you hold on to it, how you use it (consciously or unconsciously) against BIPOC? this is a deep question... I sit here in my office, lights off, staring at the bright screen, hands on my keybaord... staring at these words... how does one even answer this? • How do you benefit from white privilege, and how you have held onto that benefit (despite knowing the harm it does)? • What have you learned about the ways you specifically wield this privilege that do harm (whether intended or not)? Dig deep. No sugar coating and no focusing on the good you have done with your privilege. Remember: this isn’t about being self-congratulatory, it’s about pulling out white supremacy. • What have you learned about your white privilege that makes you uncomfortable?