I am Convinced...

Please forgive me of my lack of bloggin' - I really have been meaning to blog over this past week - but these past 3 days have been very very very draining on me. I have been in a very sad-depressed kind of mood. My best friend at work got fired - which has left me feeling quite lost at work. We have this routine that we do every saturday - well actually every day - but friday and sat (especially sat) was the worst. We go for breakfast at A&W - we then go sit out back by the loading dock doors and drink our timmys (that our friend from A&W brings us in the morning) we sit out there on our break and chat - well this past saturday - I did this stuff all by myself. it was quite depressing... it was even harder on Friday when I sat out back with my friend saying our good-byes. We both just sat there and cried... it first started with a few tears - then the tears turned in to sobs... But now - its ok. We are still staying in contact away from work - but still - work just isn't the same anymore. Which is the real sad and depressing part and I need sometime to really adjust to everything that has been going on...

So tonight I walked to safeway to pick up a few snacks and some soup (I am in a soup craving mood for some reason tonight!) I had these songs downloaded on my MP3 player and this song came on - as I was walking back from safeway I started singing (outloud) to the song... Here are the lyrics...


If I gave you the truth, would it keep you alive?
Though I'm closer to wrong
I'm no further from right
And now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me
Convinced on the inside, you're so much more than me, yeah
No there's nothing you say that can salvage the lie
But I'm trying to keep my intentions disguised
And now I'm deprived of my conscience and something's got to give
Deprived of my conscience
This all belongs to me, yeah

I'm beaten down again, I belong to them
Beaten down again, I've failed you
I'm weaker now my friend, I belong to them
Beaten down again, I've failed you

The deception you show is your own parasite
Just a word of advice you can heed if you like
And now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me
Convinced on the inside you're so much more than me, yeah

I'm beaten down again, I belong to them
Beaten down again, I've failed you
I'm weaker now my friend, I belong to them
Beaten down again, I've failed you (2x)

I'm beaten down
I'm beaten down
I'm beaten down
I'm beaten down

As I was listening to the song and singing it - I have finally gotten to the realization that I am beaten down - I'm drained - spiritaully - emotionally - and yes physically. I'm just so beaten down. As the song continued to play I thought to myself of how this past week has gone - all the events that have taken place - how I have been feeling. And my conclusion to my life is - I'm beaten down...

I was chatting on the phone last night with a good friend of mine - and as I had started to share with her how I had been feeling - esp. with everything that has been going on - I started to cry - then actually sob. I couldn't help but to cry. There was one person who I wanted to talk to - But was afraid to call them because I thought that maybe they just didn't care of how I felt - didn't care about what I was going through. The one person who I wanted to call and longed to talk to and share my heart with - I just couldn't. I just couldn't muster up the courage to dail the number...

I went to bed last night - didn't sleep very well got maybe just a couple hours of sleep - and when I had dragged myself out of bed this afternoon my eyes were so swollen... I ended up putting a super-duper cold cloth over my eyes to try and take the swelling down - which did help a bit... then I realized even more of how beaten down I felt...

There are times like this were I find it so hard to depend on Jesus being there for me. Being there to comfort me - strengthen me and to just touch me in a real loving way. But also I realized that its during these times - these endless sleeps that I need to call on Jesus for help... I did that today as I read my bible - the words "Be still and know I am God" kept popping out at me...

Jesus is my strength - My comfort - My lover. Jesus help me to depend on you more and more - and help me to depend less on myself.

Michelle

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