Looking back...
I was reading through one of my journals tonight... and as I read - I wanted to share what I had wrote...
June 2003
The interactions that I have with some people aren't always really on a friendship level. And sometimes when I talk with people its always for a reason. I've always have had something to work through or something that i "had" to work through - because it was brought to my attention. There are people in my life who i have placed on a pedastool. I have always tried to live up to what people expect of me. I've always tried to do things to please people, to get them off of my back., and really for the longest time it just feels that this is all I want, for people to leave me alone... But yet - being alone is scary. I don't want to be alone... Which I know putting people on pedastools is wrong. I don't want to serve man... I need to and want to live my life for God. I'd really rather have God push me to do things then people... there are friendships too, that I know without a doubt where God has really blessed me by them being a part of my life. But as they are trying to get close to me, I push them away. Which I know causes confusion and hurt - not just confusion and hurt for the people I push away, but myself too... But I pray that God would help me to not push people away... that as they love me, that I would be able to love them back just the same. With the only type of love that would only come from God. But you know - I have a hard time loving sometimes. I have a hard time loving my family, my friends, my church family. I am afraid to love... I am afraid to love myself. If I can't love anyone else, yet alone myself, how in the world can I love Jesus - a man who has died on the cross for me, shed blood for me to reconcile me back to Himself? I just see it being just so impossible...
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When I read this... I was like "wow - I can't believe thats how I felt at that point in my life..." You see since then I have learned to lean on God - to not place people on pedastools, I praise God that He doesn't allow that to happen in my life anymore. He broke the chains to those relationships where those people were sitting high on that pedastool... let me clarify - the relatsionships - yes I still have these friendships, but God has changed my heart and has taught me to love them with the love of Christ. And instead of making them #1 in my life... God made Himself be first.
Just some thoughts that I wanted to share...
Michelle
June 2003
The interactions that I have with some people aren't always really on a friendship level. And sometimes when I talk with people its always for a reason. I've always have had something to work through or something that i "had" to work through - because it was brought to my attention. There are people in my life who i have placed on a pedastool. I have always tried to live up to what people expect of me. I've always tried to do things to please people, to get them off of my back., and really for the longest time it just feels that this is all I want, for people to leave me alone... But yet - being alone is scary. I don't want to be alone... Which I know putting people on pedastools is wrong. I don't want to serve man... I need to and want to live my life for God. I'd really rather have God push me to do things then people... there are friendships too, that I know without a doubt where God has really blessed me by them being a part of my life. But as they are trying to get close to me, I push them away. Which I know causes confusion and hurt - not just confusion and hurt for the people I push away, but myself too... But I pray that God would help me to not push people away... that as they love me, that I would be able to love them back just the same. With the only type of love that would only come from God. But you know - I have a hard time loving sometimes. I have a hard time loving my family, my friends, my church family. I am afraid to love... I am afraid to love myself. If I can't love anyone else, yet alone myself, how in the world can I love Jesus - a man who has died on the cross for me, shed blood for me to reconcile me back to Himself? I just see it being just so impossible...
---------------------------
When I read this... I was like "wow - I can't believe thats how I felt at that point in my life..." You see since then I have learned to lean on God - to not place people on pedastools, I praise God that He doesn't allow that to happen in my life anymore. He broke the chains to those relationships where those people were sitting high on that pedastool... let me clarify - the relatsionships - yes I still have these friendships, but God has changed my heart and has taught me to love them with the love of Christ. And instead of making them #1 in my life... God made Himself be first.
Just some thoughts that I wanted to share...
Michelle
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