Confused... Frustrated... Torn...

I was talking with my second mom the other day - my best friends mom who had adopted me and accepted me into her family when I lived in Fort Frances Ontario years ago... Her and I still stay in contact and she really was there for me to talk to the other
day when I was feel so depressed and was tired of life...

We were talking about spiritual things - where things are at and how I have been feeling. We shared with one another and the things is her and I can relate to one anohter - even though we don't always see eye to eye on things all the time.

While we were speaking I had a small glimpse of how torn i'm feeling. I feel as if I'm always being hurt - being swayed or moved by peoples opinions of me. And most of all being very wishy-washy and always trying to please everyone... believers and non...

I think what frustrates me the most right now is that I don't know what my likes are... what my dislikes are what my priorities are... and what my beliefs are... It feels like I'm taking a step back and trying to get to know myself all over again which is where I'm feeling confused and really torn about... :(

There are things in my life that I know that I am honestly - whole heartedly trying to do. I'm trying very hard to work on my relationship with God - I have set aside 30minutes every night to read my bible and to pray and to journalize... I'm praying and asking God of why I think the way that I do - why I choose somethings over other things - what my motives for things are...

It hurts... and its a pain thats deep in my heart... All of this has me left with nightless sleeps... my body is aching - physically my body hurts.

I think right now - I just long for my friends to beable to see the effort that I am trying to have this deep - meaningful - relationship with God...

My prayer is that the fruits will produce - and all the crap and gunk will go away...

Michelle

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