deep and personal...
I just got home from work not too long ago - I'm really not feeling well at all. But I really wanted to post some stuff thats on my heart - and actually - a soul searching assignment that I am doing...
God as my Father - Who is He? - How can I relate to Him? God is the alpha and omega the beginning the end. He died on the cross for my sins - all my sins. From the way that I speak - swearing - gossip- slander. He died so that I could have eternal life... everlasting life - to live in heaven with Him.
How do God and I relate? We actually relate on many different levels... God mourns - He grieves - He gets angry. There are times in my life where I am mourning - where I have deep grief - there are many times where I get angry.
I have had absolutely no Father figure in my life. When I grew up my Father was never around - and when he was around he use to always hurt me... physically and emotionally. I grew up hating any man in authority. I despised my father for many years for the things that I had gone through. I despised how I grew up. I even hated God for the things that I had to go through. I didn't understand why a loving Father would allow a child to go through the things that I went through. I am still working through the things that my dad did to me. The images still lie in my mind and the feelings of hatered and bitterness sometimes surface...
Sometimes I do still get angry with God - wondering why things in my life happen... Why there is so much hurt, anger and disappointment. I cry out to God asking for answers and sometimes I don't get any - and I end up getting frustrated.
Tonight at I work I was way behind - I got mad at someone - I felt a deep rage feel my heart. I ended up breaking down and crying. I shared my tears with a friend - she didn't know what to do but to listen... She encouraged me to take a few deep breaths and to try and relax... I then ended up getting a hold of myself - but wasn't for long because as I had started to work again I broke down. The tears just started to flow... I really felt sick to my stomache (and still do right now as I type this) Its like - I just want to get all the gunk and junk out of my life - out of my system...
I just am really longing for God - to feel the closeness... to feel the love... to once again be able to pour out my hear to Him - to have Him hold me, to lift me up...
Michelle
God as my Father - Who is He? - How can I relate to Him? God is the alpha and omega the beginning the end. He died on the cross for my sins - all my sins. From the way that I speak - swearing - gossip- slander. He died so that I could have eternal life... everlasting life - to live in heaven with Him.
How do God and I relate? We actually relate on many different levels... God mourns - He grieves - He gets angry. There are times in my life where I am mourning - where I have deep grief - there are many times where I get angry.
I have had absolutely no Father figure in my life. When I grew up my Father was never around - and when he was around he use to always hurt me... physically and emotionally. I grew up hating any man in authority. I despised my father for many years for the things that I had gone through. I despised how I grew up. I even hated God for the things that I had to go through. I didn't understand why a loving Father would allow a child to go through the things that I went through. I am still working through the things that my dad did to me. The images still lie in my mind and the feelings of hatered and bitterness sometimes surface...
Sometimes I do still get angry with God - wondering why things in my life happen... Why there is so much hurt, anger and disappointment. I cry out to God asking for answers and sometimes I don't get any - and I end up getting frustrated.
Tonight at I work I was way behind - I got mad at someone - I felt a deep rage feel my heart. I ended up breaking down and crying. I shared my tears with a friend - she didn't know what to do but to listen... She encouraged me to take a few deep breaths and to try and relax... I then ended up getting a hold of myself - but wasn't for long because as I had started to work again I broke down. The tears just started to flow... I really felt sick to my stomache (and still do right now as I type this) Its like - I just want to get all the gunk and junk out of my life - out of my system...
I just am really longing for God - to feel the closeness... to feel the love... to once again be able to pour out my hear to Him - to have Him hold me, to lift me up...
Michelle
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